iCare Coaching

May 16 - Diversity

2010-05-17T06:28:00.001-07:00

I have enjoyed a new experience in recent weeks. I was asked sometime ago to serve as a consultant to a congregation mired in some difficulties. This group is quite different from the ecclesiastical "niche" I have lived in and been most comfortable with for several decades. I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The terminology is unique and I have had to learn a new vocabulary in some respects. Instead of "elders" it is "vestry". Instead of "pastor" it is "rector". Instead of board chair it is "head warden". The traditions are different too.

But, after that the differences soon end. What I have learned is that the leaders of this congregation are basically just like leaders in other churches. They have similar desires and aspirations. They use different forms and terms but they seek to worship the same God we all love. They look to Christ as the only Hope for salvation and for an eternity with God. And, I have learned they too have been impacted by the Fall. I am not referring here to a season of the year. I am speaking about human depravity. That is after all why they hired me in the first place. They were having trouble getting along. Is that unique? Hardly! Conflict and strife, misunderstandings and hurt feelings, are universal in all churches.

I must say that the work I have been doing for a number of years now involving various faith traditions has been among the most enjoyable of my entire life. Besides the church work I refer to above, in the last several weeks I have interviewed missionary candidates from several Latin American countries. In one case I needed an interpreter because my Spanish is not good enough for the work of assessments I do for missions. It has been a tremendous experience to interact with people who are so diverse. I am happy to say that I number among my friends today, people from all sorts of church backgrounds and traditions. I am learning more about what the body of Christ really looks like. It feels like my world has become much larger! I have learned to laugh with my friends about our differences instead of fighting with them.

I have written before about the beauty of diversity. God must like it too because He created all of us with uniqueness. Nowhere else on earth is there someone exactly like me! Good thing don't you think? But seriously, I believe differences ought to be celebrated and appreciated. Up to a point of course! Ultimately there needs to be common ground when it comes to our belief system. Not for a minute am I suggesting that we all can just believe what we wish or what our culture has taught us. No, I do not believe that at all. I believe in the one faith, historically delivered to the saints!

However, I think many people are just like I once was. They move in one faith tradition and rarely have much meaningful interaction with those who approach things from another perspective. In truth, I wonder if we sometimes are a little afraid of other expressions of worship and teaching. There is often suspicion, competition, ridicule, perhaps contempt, and even outright rejection of those who celebrate their faith in different ways. Maybe the worst of all my concerns is that we sometimes develop a kind of smugness where we believe we have a corner on the truth and that we are better than those ...............!

We dare not generalize and say that all Baptists, (Methodists, Anglicans, Pentecostals, Roman Catholics, etc etc) all believe this or that! It is a very dangerous thing to place groups into predefined boxes. Within every group there is variety. There are those who are quite conservative on some issues and more liberal on others.

We ought to celebrate our common ground in Jesus and His provision of salvation by His grace and our faith response to it. When opportunities arise to explore our different viewpoints and practices let us do so but always with humility and charity towards others. Let us always approach others with an open, outstretched hand and never with a closed, clenched fist. On some issues the other guy may be more right than you are.

I am off to my next diversity challenge. I am assisting a young pastor in an independent church prepare for ordination. He has written a paper that I suspect about which some members of his ordination council will take issue. My job is to moderate this council. It should be interesting! I am really looking forward to it.

Have a great week thinking about the diversity of the Body!

By His Grace,

Rick

Humility and how I attained it!!

2009-05-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

We all have heard this line haven't we? It's the name of the book many have said they have written.

Humility is a fascinating theme. It is said that if you think you have achieved a measure of It --- that in itself is a sure sign that you have not! Our culture is very much an entitlement-minded kind of world. My daughter, who works at a university, believes that the sense of entitlement exhibited by students seems to be rising with each year's incoming class of new students. Older adults seem to think the same. We seem to think someone owes us something. It is the very opposite of humility.

I am reading a fascinating book by Tony Dungy, the former NFL coach, entitled Uncommon. The book answers the question, what does it take to live a life of significance? One of the chapters is about humility and stewardship. Dungy talks about the fine line between confidence and pride. Pride is all about me. Confidence as Dungy sees it, is not about me but about using gifts and abilities I have been blessed with to their fullest. It is also about using these gifts and abilities to help my team and impact others.

Years ago Lee Iococca wrote about a similar concept but approached the topic in terms of ego. In his mind a strong ego is a sign of a healthy, confident, well-adjusted individual. A person with a big ego on the other hand is one who is full of himself/herself. A strong ego is essential to live well. A big ego irritates others and repels them from us.

People who express their anger at the government these days do not do so primarily from a partisan standpoint. They are venting their anger because they believe that those elected to serve them, have somehow lost their way. Politicians have become obsessed with power and control. Servant leadership, although a popular buzz word, is an endangered species in political capitols. Humility and politics may seem almost an oxymoron to many of us.

How do people view you? I am not asking you whether you think you are a humble person. How can we answer that one about ourselves? The more important question is, do others think of you as humble? Consider some interesting comments and perspectives on humility written by men and women over the years.

To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness. Benjamin Franklin

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows. Helen Nielson

The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have. Norman V. Peale

Our best thoughts come from others. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like Emerson's quote. When I was in graduate school one professor often warned us about originality. He maintained that if we thought we had an idea that no one ever had thought of before, we would likely be wrong.

Humility is the foundation of all other virtues, hence in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot any other virtue except in mere appearance. St. Augustine

Wear your learning like a watch, in a private pocket, and do not pull it out and strike it merely to show that you have one. Lord Chesterfield

I used to smile when friends earned doctoral degrees. Almost immediately, many ordered new check books and business cards to be sure that the title "Dr." appeared before their name. Others never let their academic accomplishments go to their heads.

Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real. Thomas Merton It is always the secure who are humble. Gilbert Chesterton I like this one too. It is good to live life with nothing to prove. When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it. Bernard Baily

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change, where we are right, make us easy to live with. Peter Marshall

He who is in love with himself will have no rivals.

Humble people are delightful to be around. Humble people are successful in life and in business. Want to have a conversation about humility? I invite you to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright May 2009

PLAYING IT SAFE OR RISKING IT ALL!

2009-02-15T18:04:00.001-08:00

This is an age-old dilemma. How many of us have a secret longing to throw the dice, go for it all, take a chance, but, ... we never do so because we are afraid to take the risk?

In the course of my work I encounter many such people. What might your life be like if you really went out on a limb, trusted your intuition and took some chances? Over the years, I have had imaginary conversations with God that take place when I am an old man (decades into the future of course). God says to me, "Son, let me show you what your life WOULD have been like, if you had really trusted me and been willing to take a risk, step out, or whatever." Then as God describes that scenario I wonder how close to that potential I am really living. It inspires me and gives me the "kick" to get out and continue to dream and cast visions.

I like to read inspiring biographies. Men and women who took risks, overcame great obstacles and remained persistent in their pursuit of a dream or a passion, move me deeply. Sam Walton inspires me. Kelly Fitzgerald, in writing about him begins by saying, "Sam Walton was a man who took chances, never said never, and kept on fighting the odds! "

We all know the rest of the story. With $5000 he had saved and $20,000 borrowed from his banker, rancher father-in-law, Walton purchased his first store and the rest is history. Well not really... Walton did not always achieve great successes. The landlord who owned the first building used by Walton charged an unreasonable amount of rent and refused to renew the lease when it came up. A few of Walton's endeavors did not result in profits and successes. But he learned as he went along and never gave up.

I work with several people currently who are by their nature artists and creative dreamer types of individuals. The "normal" 9 to 5 routine is not for them. They have tried that and while it paid their bills, it was not satisfying. There was something inside that was waiting to come out. There was a certain kind of spirit that wished to spread its wings and soar. But that is so risky. Imagine ending a job that pays a regular salary and hoping that writing, creating music, painting, developing a new business, etc will be sufficient to pay bills and hopefully a little more!

I know it is easy for me to sit on the sidelines and encourage others to "take the plunge." But, I believe I know at least something of what this is about. After 30 years in one area of work, I made a rather drastic change. It was terrifying at first. I thought (wrongly) that I had no other skills to offer. I only was trained for one thing. Now that some years have gone by I can say honestly that I feel fulfilled, content, and amazed at how good life is.

Please consider a few thoughts that have been useful to me:

1. Don't wait until you are 85 to make a change. Go for it! If something in your spirit is making you restless, if there is a powerful curiosity about a way of life you have always admired but thought could never be yours, then go for it! Today's missed opportunity could be tomorrow's regret! I know many such people who now say, "IF only...!" Act today, so you will never have to say "if only..."

2. We must think outside of the box! This expression is becoming a cliche but it is profoundly true. We become blinded to what exists outside our world. My sense is that the more trained or educated we become, the narrower our world becomes. A liberal education should not have this effect but it does. I have served on university boards and have contact with people who are very well educated and highly proficient in their area of expertise or business. But herein also lies a problem: that area of expertise can become very narrow. We live in a big beautiful world. There is so much out there. To begin to think about new paradigms and new "boxes" I suggest:
a. Take time to dream about what you might find interesting. Make lists.
b. Read more broadly. Research the internet.
c. Seek out people who live in very different worlds and ask them questions. Be a learner.
d. Travel outside your country.
e. Try new hobbies.

3. Redefine failure. This has been difficult for me and has kept me from taking risks. I wanted to be certain of the outcome before I would venture forth. I am coming to understand that failure is being knocked down once more than we are willing to lift ourselves up. You can fall 6 times but you are not a failure unless you only get up 5 times. I am learning to truly believe this. Most every great man or woman in business, politics, athletics, church life, education, and so on, will acknowledge a time or time of misery and setbacks. Instead of allowing these setbacks to paralyze and intimidate, they rose above them and learned from them to press over onward.

4. Talk to people who work with career adjustments and transitions. You will find this very valuable. I found great encouragement and learned that there are transferable skills and life experiences that can be very helpful and applicable in new situations.

5. Spend a good deal of time figuring out how your skill sets or experiences can be applied in other areas of life. For example, a good friend was forced to retire from missionary work due to failing health. Upon returning to his home country he discovered that his church was not overly impressed with his credentials (even though they were considerable). He was quite discouraged and struggled for some time. One day he felt useful and was fully engaged and the next he felt like he had been tossed on the scrap heap. After some time he talked with people in a local community college and within a short time he was teaching courses on comparative religions and other subjects. He had discovered a new outlet, outside of his old box, that enabled him to utilize his academic and pedagogical skills. He became once more a happy man.

6. Start small. Take baby steps, then walk and then learn to run. Stepping away from comfort is scary. Don't pack up the family and move to another continent next week. That could be disastrous. Begin by reflecting and meditating. In an ideal world what would you like to be doing? If money were no object at all, what would you be doing? For what would you leap out of bed each morning? As your list develops begin by tackling some of the items you describe.

Recently I had a conversation with a man aged 57. He said he was trying to "hang on" for 7 more years so he could retire. "In all honesty", he said, "if I could I would quit tomorrow!" My friend is just existing. This is so sad to me. Those 7 years may be the longest years of his life. He is beginning to probe some other paths and courses of action that he might pursue.

Now I realize going from the comfort zone to something new may seem like jumping off a cliff. Perhaps it is even worse. When we jump off a cliff we can usually see the bottom. In what I am advocating, it may not be possible to know what the "bottom" looks like. Perhaps it will be shark-infested waters. We may not know. It is terrifying. But what if you never try? Then you will never know for sure. Your jump could take you to a place where your life long dreams, aspirations and desires are at last in congruity with how you spend your day. Life does not get better than that.

Obviously we must be prudent and thoughtful. We must count the cost and make good preparations to minimize the risks. I realize that and would never advocate fool hardy moves from one career to another or from one job to a vague, murky promise of an income. There is a fine line between brilliant risk-taking and stupidity!!

My purpose is to push you a little! Do not wait until it is too late to do the things you have always dreamed of doing and seeing the places you have always dreamed of seeing!

Do not allow the words "IF ONLY" to characterize you in your old age. You can still do something about your life today! You may not be able to tomorrow. Go for it!!

Want to chat about this? I would be delighted to listen to your dreams and aspirations and also your fears and trepidations. You can contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright February 2009

2009-01-17T17:56:00.000-08:00

The Devil is in the details!
(Read the Fine Print!)

So where does this expression come from? Apparently it started out as "God is in the details!" We could say these expressions reflect opposite results of the same phenomena. If God is in the details then we think of opportunities for creativity and growth that result from exploring the details about something. If the devil is in the details, the suggestion is that details of a project can result in failure and ruin.

Today, we tend to hear more often that the devil is in the details. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe (1886-1969) is alleged by some to have coined the phrase. Certainly he is one who often quoted it. Mies was an architect. Another architect sometimes regarded as the "inventor" of the phrase is Le Corbusier. These two, along with Frank Lloyd Wright, are known as the paternal triumverate of 20th Century architecture, and it is easy to see that an architect would see the value of details. One of the sayings of Mies that I enjoy particularly is "Architecture starts when you carefully put two bricks together." There it begins. I suppose the emphasis for Mies would be on "carefully."

"The devil is in the details" can be understood in various ways:

1. Even the grandest project depends on the success of its smallest component.
2. Even the smallest details can cause failure.
3. However well intentioned a project or idea, bad and unexpected things will inevitably come up that will destroy the original idea.
4. Whatever we do should be done thoroughly. Details are important.
5. Solutions break down when they are examined closely.
6. The hard part of what we do is in the many small details.
7. Overlooking small things now will cause problems later on.

All are really variations of the same theme. My purpose today is to make the point that details are critical to our success. Ignoring, glossing over, or minimizing details can cost us dearly in the end. Recently a friend of mine had problems with his car. He took it to a dealer's service department and was given the bad news that he would need either a head gasket repair or an entirely new engine. He wisely took his car to another shop. There the technician discovered that the spark plugs were still the original ones and that style in particular was hard to remove and was thoroughly fouled up. New spark plugs took care of the problem. Small details? Sure! In this case finding the details saved my friend thousands of dollars.

In industry, in politics, and in every area of life, details can kill us. Politicians campaign in lofty, convincing, and glowing language about the changes they will bring. Does anyone stop to ask for the details? Not usually. Legislators pass bills that they assume their staff have read but that they personally know little about. Credit card companies try to entice us with attractive offers that appeal to the unsuspecting. The fine print often reveals extremely high interest rates that become effective 6 months or a year AFTER the person has acquired the card. I found the internet filled with dozens of articles and blogs about the "devil is in the details." Topics range from environmental and climate issues, anti-virus technology, the building of sports complexes and who pays for them, economic issues, and on and on.

What about your business or career? Are you being hurt because details are ignored? Do you have someone with a sharp eye and sharp pencil who goes over the fine print for you or with you? Is your staff free to ask questions or raise concerns?

Some ideas that I find helpful are:

1. Make sure your work "culture" allows for free and easy exchange of information. There are workplace environments where the staff does not dare to raise questions or express opinions. We all have blind spots. Visionaries, take-charge leaders, and entrepreneurs often overlook or regard as irritants, these small details of a project. You need someone who knows how to ask questions and who has the freedom to do so. Such people, while they may seem to slow down our progress and appear to be negative minded, can really be worth their weight in gold. The LIFO® Survey instrument which I often use, is especially adept at discovering whether these dynamics are present on a staff or board. It is not natural for certain types of leaders to seek out the counsel of those we sometimes call the "bean counters," but not to do so is to invite peril and potential loss.

2. It is not enough to highlight a new business plan, a new vision, or a resolution for the new year for that matter, by articulating a few "bullet" statements in a memo. Without details your vision will result in confusion. You need a script. You will need to provide a setting for your staff to hear your ideas and to interact with them, ask questions, challenge them, and thus come to own them as you do.

3. Take a look at job descriptions. Are the roles clearly defined? Do the people know to whom they are to report? As conditions change, are job descriptions and policies changed to fit the new paradigms? I find sometimes in working with groups that there are many assumptions and expectations that are not supported by documentation. This will ultimately lead to problems

4. Always read the fine print! In the computer world, we are getting accustomed to simply hitting the "I agree to the terms and conditions" icon without ever reading what the terms and conditions are. What exactly are you agreeing to?

I think this statement by the late Edward R Murrow applies to what I am writing about.
"The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem of what to say and how to say it."

Another saying that may be even more to the point is the line often quoted by former President Ronald Reagan. In regard to matters like nuclear disarmament and honoring of international treaties he insisted that, we should "trust but verify!"

Have you "been burned" by ignoring the fine print? Perhaps you are about to be hurt that way. Did you move quickly to a new project or venture before all the details were really known to you? Want to talk about it? You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright January 2009

Got worries? Anxious about anything?

2008-12-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

Is the sky blue? ----- Of course we worry!

In recent months there has been great cause for worry. Pensions are shrinking. Jobs are disappearing. Real estate values are declining. The problem is not isolated; it exists in most of the economically developed world today.

So what is a person to do about worry, anxiety, stress and uncertainty? Somehow a flippant, "Don't worry, it will all work out!" just does not seem to cut it.

Let me offer some suggestions that work for me. First, let's define worry. The dictionary says worry is an emotion of concern or anxiety about a real or perceived issue. It can be personal and involve health, finances, job situations, relationships, change and so on. It can also be corporate and involve the fear of wars, collapsed economies, or environmental threats.

We need to bear in mind that some worry is positive and good. Worry can help us avoid risky behaviour. A fear of developing lung cancer can help a person stop or never start smoking cigarettes. Worry also forces people to take precautions. Buying life insurance or properly insuring one's possessions is a good by-product of worry about loss of life or property.

Worry is a problem when it becomes chronic or toxic. It is believed that one in four persons have chronic kinds of worry issues. This type of worry can lead to physical ailments like ulcers, high blood pressure, asthma, and skin disorders. It can also result in a host of emotional and psychological or behavioral problems like excessive drinking, withdrawal and depression.

Here are some light-hearted as well as more thoughtful ideas on worry by a variety of people in the past:

"I’ve seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true."
Mark Twain

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William R. Inge

"What were you worried about this time last year?
Can't remember?"

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schultz

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?
You of little faith! -- Jesus

Consider the following recommendations to minimize debilitating worry.

1. Make a plan. You cannot wring your hands and roll up your sleeves simultaneously. Talk to people. Research things on the internet. When everything looks hopeless it is great to take pen and paper (or PDA) and begin to list steps and solutions. They do exist. Just last week I met with a man who saw no way out of a financial crisis because his job was terminated. After some discussion he discovered four possible steps he could take that would help him. Even I was surprised. I once worked with a man who had terrible personal debt. He was already elderly so his earning days were short. By following a carefully worked out plan he was debt free in 3 years. It was painful at times but it was incredibly rewarding and freeing for him as well as for his family. I recall very clearly the day he reported to me that his debts had vanished. He was ecstatic. His life was hopeless and self defeating until he developed a plan. Someone once said that action is worry's worst enemy!

2. Do the obvious. Eating properly, getting sleep, and exercising, are all very important to maintain a proper perspective about life.

3. Maintain contact with other people. It is easy to withdraw and become reclusive. Do not do that. Human contact is tremendously therapeutic. A pat on the back, or better yet, a hug is very important. Never worry alone. Talk things over with others. Men especially, have a tendency to "Zip up" and not admit their fears and worries. You will be surprised how helpful it is to verbalize your fears to someone else. My elderly friend who got out of debt with a plan, would not have succeeded without the help of caring friends. His situation was so serious that he agreed to have a friend co sign every check he ever wrote just to make sure he would not become irresponsible in spending money. This is an extreme example but in this instance the situation was serious.

4. Get the facts. A lot of worry is imagined. Much of what we worry about never happens. The storms are not nearly as bad as we expect. I have found it quite informative to study the history of prior economic downturns, recessions, and depressions. We all know about the crash of 1929. Learn about earlier banking crises in 1893 for example. How were they resolved? Learning the history of modern banking is fascinating and provides perspective.

5. Change the scenery. Sometimes dropping everything and playing a round of golf, taking a walk, splitting wood, or jogging, can clear the mind and bring things into perspective and focus.

6. Help someone else. I can assure you that it is always possible to find someone in as bad or worse conditions than the ones you live in. There are people around who deeply and genuinely hurt. Buy them a lunch or take them some groceries. Share an activity with them. Your worries will diminish.

7. Get perspective. Resign as general manager of the universe! Take care of the things you must take care of and let others take care of the rest. I like the Serenity Prayer used in 12 step groups for this reason.

8. Consider a spirtual dimension to your life. Consider the words of Jesus I quoted above. This approach to life was helpful to Henry Ford who said, "I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about?"

It is not my intent to trivialize very serious concerns and fears that you may have. You may wish to see a physician if you are experiencing physical ailments or difficulties. Please do so! For many people, worry is not destroying health but it is robbing them of enjoying life.

Want to talk more? I would love to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, December, 2008

Liar, Liar pants on fire!!!

2008-11-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

Just where this line (the rest of it continues, "hang them up on telephone wires") comes from is not known. Most probably some parent used the line to impress on a youngster the importance of telling the truth! Gordon Korman subsequently wrote a children's book using the lines for his title.

I want to share some thoughts with you today about truth, truth telling, lies, and trust. I believe it is very basic to competent functioning in business, in social relationships, in families-- and in every other relationship in which we find ourselves.

Famous people have said interesting things about the subject. Here are some samples:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. Henry David Thoreau

This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. Oliver Wendell Holmes

To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. George Macdonald

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill

A lie has journeyed half way around the world, before truth has put its pants on. Winston Churchill

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

Truth is not only violated by falsehood. It may be outraged by silence. Henri-Frederic Amiel

Lying is an unavoidable part of human nature. Source unknown

So, how does all this work for you or me in everyday life?

What is a lie anyway? One definition suggests it is a statement which is untrue and which is designed to deceive, avoid punishment, or protect someone's feelings. There are many kinds of lies. A bold-faced lie is a statement that obviously is untrue. Everyone knows it. A white lie, on the otherhand, is a small lie that many feel is justified by circumstances and is harmless. Perjury is a lie in a legal context when a person is under oath to speak the truth. This kind of lying is generally considered very serious. Lies to children are quite acceptable. These have to do with storks, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and so on. Lies can also be statements we simply omit to make. They are kind of half truths (or half lies). What we say is not untrue but there is more to the story than we wish to reveal. This too is deception. Other synonyms for lying include "bluffing", "misleading", and "exagerrating". In times of war lying is common. Machiavelli advised the Prince, "Never attempt to win by force what can be won by fraud!"

For our purposes here, I want to raise two issues about lies and truth telling.

The first has to do with lying and trust. Trust is a foundation for good relationships. Lying breaks trust. If I am not sure your word is good, or if what you say can be relied upon, I will hold you at a distance. I will evaluate carefully. I may take you seriously, or I may not. I will never be quite sure how to regard what you say to me. It used to be that a man's word was all that was needed to seal a deal. Years ago I once borrowed over $100,000 from a friend to build a house. We just shook hands. Yes, I paid it back; with interest even. Lawyers today would say that was really foolish and very risky. Our society is about protecting ourselves from unscrupulous and lying people. I really was struck by Macdonald's statement above that to be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. Do people trust me? Do they trust you? Building and maintaining trust is a huge issue in life and tragic is the situation where trust does not exist or where it has been broken by a lie.

The second concept about lying I wish to raise concerns the matter of withholding truth. How much ought we to say to people? In medicine for example, should a physician tell all to a patient diagnosed with fatal cancer or Alzheimer's disease? In a survey taken in 1961, only 10% of medical doctors agreed that a patient should be told the details of a fatal disease. By 1979 the number jumped dramatically to 97%. Surveys and studies have shown that persons facing a life ending prognosis prefer to be told the truth about their condition. Shakespeare wrote that the miserable have no other medicine; but only hope! How does one balance telling the truth with offering hope? It is a difficult challenge.

I see this dilemma manifesting itself in other ways in society. We are very careful not to judge others (at least not to their faces- to others we condemn and judge all the time). Destructive life styles and practices, bad eating patterns, habits, etc., go unchallenged for fear of offending or hurting others. It is a little like the story of two fishermen fishing from their boat near a bridge. As they sat for hours (the fish were not biting evidently just as happens when I fish), they noticed that pieces were breaking loose from the bridge as vehicles rumbled over it. Whenever a large truck crossed the bridge, even larger pieces fell into the river below. One day an entire span fell to the water. One fisherman said to the other, "What should we do?" The other replied, "Lets build a hospital!" Would not running to the road, waving the arms and issuing a warning to motorists have been more appropriate? I think so.

What I am touching on here is really an aspect of accountability. It is about being our brother's keepers. The more men and women rise in their careers, the less likely it is that they will have people in their circle who will tell them the truth. I am someone who has been there and I am convinced I know what I am writing about. I would urge you to find a peer you can trust, and begin slowly to "let your hair down" about your life, your thoughts, your goals, your concerns, your fears, your temptations, your failures, and so on. This is risky and dangerous business. Not doing so could be more dangerous and riskier still! Look carefully before you confide in someone. But when you do you will be tremendously rewarded. My guess is that when you find the courage to broach this subject with someone, that person will say that he or she too, has been hoping to find someone to relate to on this level. You will not feel so alone anymore. You will know there is someone whom you can call for advice or encouragement and counsel.

Want to talk about it? Need help in finding a person to develop accountability? Want to discuss your fears about doing so? I would be delighted to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, November, 2008

WHO YOU ARE IS WHAT THEY GET

2008-10-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

Ever feel inadequate or ill-equipped to handle difficult situations? Do you wish you had more training or skills to deal with personnel, with conflict, with strategic planning, or with crises?

We all do at times!

Let me encourage you today and help you see that you probably possess more skills and experience than you may think as you wrestle with the challenges that come along your way each day.

When I was in graduate school years ago I worked with a pastor/therapist friend. He often said to me that I would be capable of working with 60% of his clients even though I was young, relatively untrained, and unsure of myself. His theory was that people whose lives are basically "together" already have a huge advantage over those who do not. Now this is not to disparage professional counselors and therapists. I currently chair the board that oversees a counseling center employing more than a dozen professionally trained therapists. Their training is extremely important and should never be minimized. It is saying however, that we tend to overestimate the place of formal training and downplay what one person can bring to another simply by listening, showing empathy, and on occasion even offering helpful advice.

This is the principle I have in mind today. I conduct seminars for people in Human Resources and care-giving kinds of work. We often tell them that who they are is what people will get. Also, in conflict management seminars I tell people that one of the most important assets a conflict mediator or manager brings to a stressful situation is who he or she really is. I am all for training and for professional development. Take advantage of worthwhile venues to sharpen your skills and enhance your knowledge. But, at the same time, do not sell yourself short. Here are a few basics that can be powerful as we deal with one another.

1. Integrity. Be a straight shooter! What would people say about you in this area? Can your word be trusted? Do you keep confidences? Do you say the same thing from day to day or do your stories change depending on the audience you are speaking to? Are you guided by a core value that values truth? Do people know where you stand on issues?

2. Serenity. Calm in the midst of a storm is powerful. Remember the quaint story about the young boy on a turbulent flight? When asked why he remained so calm when the aircraft he was in, was bouncing and shaking in the unstable air, he simply replied, "My father is the pilot!" In a time of conflict or turbulence your own serenity and calmness can be very powerful in reassuring and comforting others. I have often noticed this when relationships are in turmoil. I find it interesting to observe the correlation between heated arguments and hope for resolutions. Each go in opposite directions. As the decibel levels in an argument go up, common sense and sanity tends to diminish. A calming voice can do wonders at such times. Little wonder that Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer" has been so powerful among the armed forces, in 12 step groups, and so on.

3. Optimism. People in stressful situations or in conflict soon see their situations as hopeless. If left unchecked they will soon despair and see no possibility for a good resolution. You as a third party or even as one of the "combatants" can have a powerful influence if you bring a positive and optimistic spirit. People gravitate towards those who have a cheery, positive view on life. Persons whose cups are always half empty do not inspire or motivate others well. I am not suggesting you live in a dream world or that we should ignore realities. But, one can always find something good to celebrate. A Holocaust survivor was grateful for lice in the concentration camps because it kept the vicious Nazi guards away from their barracks.

4. Grace. A person who is gracious is a tremendous asset in any relationship. To be gracious is to be pleasant, agreeable, courteous, affable, tactful, cordial,sociable, and warm. The opposite of a gracious person is one who is argumentative, opinionated, stubborn, crude, cold, tactless, mean spirited, and obnoxious. All of these words speak for themselves and each connotes a certain kind of picture in our minds when we hear them.

5. Generosity. A friend of mine used to say that he tried to live life with his hands metaphorically open and facing outward. He maintained that if he turned his hands downward as if to represent hoarding and protection, his assets tended to slip through the fingers. I think he was right. There is something incredibly freeing about giving to others. Not only do we improve the lot of those with whom we share our generosity, we also enhance the quality of our own lives and have the satisfaction of knowing that we have not lived selfishly.

The wisdom literature in the Bible touches on many of these concepts. Here is a sample:

Do not let kindness and truth leave you.... Proverbs 3:3
Hatred stirrs up strife, but love covers all transgressions. Proverbs 10:12
There is one who scatters, yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, but it results only in want. The generous man will be prosperous. Proverbs 11:24-25.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A soothing tongue is a tree of life. Proverbs 15:4
A joyful heart makes a cheerful face. Proverbs 15:15
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. Proverbs 25:11

Do not underestimate yourself! Basic decencies and courtesies and common sense will go a long way in the world in which you live. Be courageous when your instincts tell you it is time to speak up or take action. Trust your intuition more!

Want to chat about this? You can reach me at www.icarecoaching.com. I would be delighted to hear from you. Remember, a life coach does not teach you how to ride a bike but he will run alongside you as you ride yours! I would be honored to run along by your side for a while and perhaps it would help you ride better and faster. Hopefully it will also make the ride more enjoyable!

Dr Rick Penner
Copyright, Oct. 2008

ME, BLIND? I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY!

2008-09-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

What would you think if the product you produce or sell made up 65% of world sales and accounted for over 80% of the profits but in 12 years the same percentages dropped to less than 10% and less than 20% respectively? Impossible you say? No it is not!

This is what happened in the watch making industry. In 1968 Switzerland was synonymous with time keeping. By 1980 this country was “dethroned” because something new had come along --- Seiko!! Switzerland was profoundly competent in the manufacture of gears and mainsprings but almost overnight this became irrelevant because of a new paradigm in the watch industry. The Japanese saw a new opportunity in the electronic quartz watch and while they had less than 1% of the world’s watch market in 1968, the Japanese today account for over 30%.

The United States in the fall of 2008 is in the midst of a national election campaign. One party has nominated a vice presidential candidate who is “out of the box." She comes from Alaska ... about as far from Washington as one can be geographically! This candidate had served as a mayor for some years but her town had less than 10,000 people in it. She is a current governor of her state, but the state has only 600,000 people. The nation had not known much about her previously. For many, she does not into a familiar paradigm and therefore is not qualified.

This article is not meant to be a political statement. I am trying to point out that we all operate in our “boxes” of thinking. We live by paradigms: standards and ideas that are part of these “boxes.”

Consider another example. In my travels in various continents, I have observed that people use different utensils when eating. In America, it seems a fork will do for most meals unless we eat steak and need a sharp knife to cut it or when we need to spread butter or jam on bread. In Canada and in most of Europe, forks are almost always complimented by knives. In certain Asian countries, bare hands are used when eating. Interestingly though, even the use of hands requires the right technique and approach. Some cultures take pride in using only the tips of their fingers. Societies that make use of the fuller hand are considered uncultured and uncouth! How fascinating!

I have found our bondage to certain paradigms true in virtually every area of life. We cannot, or will not even consider other paradigms. In the world of the church it is often said cynically that its 7 last words are.. “We’ve always done it this way before!” Or as someone else said, “come weal or woe, our status is quo!” It is the same in education and in business. I served on the board of governors for a university for some years and was often amazed how academia looks at the world. It was their world and the only world they knew.

Willful blindness, pride, stubbornness, or simply being incapable or unwilling to anticipate new paradigms and realities can be deadly. We must be able to predict the needs of costumers and develop products or services that will fulfill those needs.

So, how about your world? What paradigms are you bound to? What are you missing in life because you have never considered a new paradigm? Some practical suggestions you will find useful are:

1. Deliberately recruit and affirm those who are entrepreneurial and creative in their thinking. We tend to dismiss such folks as impractical dreamers. But paradigm pioneers are almost always outsiders. One example is a young person. He or she does not yet know all the reasons why a new idea is sure to fail. Fred Smith, founder of Federal Express is a perfect contemporary illustration. Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers, and hosts of others were all persistent dreamers and visionaries. They were ridiculed and dismissed but today we benefit constantly from their discoveries. Woodrow Wilson once said, “I use not only the brains I have, but all that I can borrow!"

2. Find time for “dream” or “vision casting” retreats and get-togethers. Many would consider such activities as a waste of precious time. Yet, out of such vision casting could come new ideas and concepts that will position your business for the future and ensure that you will have products and services as conditions and needs change in our society. Be deliberate about the future and welcome it by preparing for inevitable change. If you wait until you have all the evidence and proof before changing a paradigm, you will likely never change. Be willing to trust intuition as new ideas surface.

3. Broaden your focus from problem solving to anticipation. We often measure managerial skills on the basis of problem solving ability. What about problem avoidance or opportunity identification?

4. Keep an open mind. We resist new paradigms because we are blind. Many exercises have been conducted to show that while our eyes may suggest something new is happening, our brain (experience) overrules our eyes and dismisses new things. Remember the deck of cards experiment? Change the hearts cards to black from red and flash such a deck of cards rapidly in front of your eyes. The eyes may see something different but the brain says, “Hearts are always red. There is nothing unusual about this deck!” Consider these two laughable examples:

“Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.” Simon Newcomb, astronomer, 1902.

“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Resources that have been helpful to me and from which I gleaned ideas that I have used here is Peter Drucker’s book, Managing in Turbulent Times, and the writings and lectures of futurist Joel Barker.

I conclude with this challenge from Drucker, “Significant competitive advantage lies with those organizations and individuals who anticipate well in turbulent times."

Want to talk more? Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, September, 2008

ENJOYING CONFLICT??? Are you kidding???

2008-08-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have worked with many groups experiencing conflict. I have been called upon to mediate conflict and I have taught seminars and classes on how to understand and resolve conflict. I am certain that I have even caused conflict at times. It seems like TV and other media would have nothing to talk or write about if there was no conflict. It's all we hear about from every corner of the world.

I take what some might regard as a bizarre attitude toward conflict.

I rather enjoy it!

Sound crazy? Hear me out. First, lets define what conflict is. Some definitions you will find in books on the subject go something like, "conflict is discord due to actual or perceived opposition of needs values and interests." A slightly more complex definition states that conflict involves two or more parties with incompatible goals who seek to undermine each other's goal seeking capability.

The one I prefer is much more simple. It simply says that conflict is two or more objects, ideas, goals--- ANYTHING ACTUALLY--- that seek to occupy the same space at the same time. This can be as simple as two drivers who each seek to park their car in the same parking spot at the mall. Or it can be two countries who each seek to occupy the same territory (or control someone's oil pipeline or natural resources).

Competition will produce conflict. Each competitor has a design on the same goal -- winning! Even cooperation can produce conflict because while people can share in a common goal or outcome, they may have very different ideas of how they can reach those goals. This can produce conflict and strife.

So why in the world would someone be crazy enough to welcome conflict and to enjoy it? Here is my rationale. First, conflict is inevitable. It is naïve and folly to think otherwise. Death is the only sure way to avoid conflict. Until death comes therefore, I take the view that we all have to deal with it. We might as well enjoy it. Furthermore, there are many potentially positive elements to conflict:

1. Conflict can enhance communication. I will be more careful about what I say or write when I know that my words could be misunderstood or that they could lead to anger or disappoint by those who hear or read them.

2. Conflict can force us to sharpen our thinking. I will calculate and consider very carefully the merits of my arguments if I know that another may challenge them.

3. Conflict can greatly strengthen relationships. Yes, of course it can also destroy but it has the potential to solidify relationships and friendships. A conflict worked out well will almost always lead to a stronger friendship between the parties in conflict. New agreements and covenants forged will serve the parties well in the future.

4. Conflict can teach us courtesy and respect for others. If we listen to one another we will acknowledge humbly that our way is not necessarily always the only way or even the best way!

The key to conflict is not whether we might encounter it but rather HOW we will choose to deal with it. Some important principles on how to deal well with conflict include:

-recognize conflict in its earliest stages before the "gathering of bullets" stage when each side collects ammunition to bolster an argument or position. Too often people ignore conflict or pretend it does not exist.

-Communicate fairly and listen openly so that the real issues can be brought to the table and all parties are treated respectfully.

-When necessary, utilize the services of a third party or mediator. Such a person can make sure all issues are heard and parties "fight fairly."

-Agree (in writing when appropriate) on the terms and understandings used to resolve the conflict.

-It is not necessary to always have a "win-lose" resolution to conflict. I often speak in terms of percentages. It can be helpful for parties in conflict to indicate what percentage they might be willing to "give" in any given conflict. Issues are often not "black and white" or morally "right or wrong." It can be quite acceptable to agree to mutually give 50% or more in a conflict in order to bring resolution. Good resolution can be achieved when each party shows he or she is willing to "give a little." This can make for happier marriages as well by the way.

-Also, it is good to remember that some cultures consider direct communication between conflicted parties as rude and unacceptable. In such settings a third party may be necessary to lead a more indirect approach. Some cultures resolve conflict by telling stories. As our world becomes increasingly multicultural we need to become more sensitive to the ways in which other cultures handle conflict.

Two of the most basic issues in all conflict are the tensions between relationships and goals. If we behave "shark-like" to achieve our goals and projects at all costs, we may strain relationships with one another. On the other hand, the "teddy bear" approach may salvage relationships but projects may go untouched. In my seminars I administer a test sometimes to help participants see whether they are sharks or teddy bears, OR, turtles who care neither about relationships or goals and simply tuck their heads into a shell, OR owls who wisely, are able to maintain good relationshps while achieving important goals-- a certain "win-win" approach.

There are many conflict stories I could share as I look back. One of the more delightful "conflict experiences" that come to my mind is a fairly recent one. A board of a non-profit was divided over personnel. The "sharks" in the group wanted heads to roll! Wild accusations were made- some not even remotely close to being true. Over the months this board instituted an orderly and objective performance review for its director. As I was certain would be the case, the results were overwhelmingly positive. The "sharks" lost their bite! Today this organization continues to face challenges but the unity and harmony they exhibit is refreshing and heartwarming to observe. Concerns by the "sharks" were heard but relationships were maintained --- a sort of "win-win" situation and a happy conclusion. AND, a much more unified board besides.

Are you frustrated in how you have dealt with conflict in the past? Are you facing some serious or troubling conflicts right now? I welcome your inquiry or questions. I will be glad to talk with you about your conflict management style or your conflict concerns. You can contact me at Rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, August, 2008

KNOW COMMUNICATION or NO COMMUNICATION!

2008-07-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

Communication has been my life for years! Then again, for whom is communication not important? Unless you are never with other people, you constantly depend on effective communication . Good communication is imperative at work, when you order your dinner at your favorite restaurant, and if you hope to experience happy relationships with friends or family. Even Tom Hanks stranded alone on an island in the movie Castaway, needed desperately to communicate with someone, somehow!

I have just returned from Poland where I spoke at a week long conference. Communication becomes even a greater challenge when an interpreter is needed. As I flew back from this conference I got to thinking more about the business of communicating.

What is communication? Conveying a message and receiving information back with minimal distortion is one way we could describe it. Notice that I am suggesting communication needs to be a cycle. It is not enough to send out signals. They must be received and returned to confirm that the original message was correctly received. It sounds like a very risky proposition and I believe it is. Yet, it is crucial to success in virtually every area of life. A survey conducted by the University of Pittsburgh and its Katz Business School revealed that good communication skills was the number one factor in how managers are selected by businesses. Good communication skills and the ability to get along with people were the main factors in contributing to job success.

Let's examine the communication process and highlight some roadblocks and principles that will help you communicate more effectively.

1. Know your message.

What do you wish to say? What do you want to get across? You must be very clear about what you desire to say. Is it simply about the time to meet for lunch? Is it about terminating an employee who is not performing to standards? Is it about confronting a colleague about a concern? Is it to comfort someone at a time of great loss? Is it to propose marriage to the love of your life? Few things are more frustrating than to listen to someone who is unclear about his or her intentions.

2. Know your channel.

What method of communication will you use? Is screen to screen communication going to work or will face to face be better? Increasingly today, we are relying on text messaging, emails, video conferencing, and emails to communicate. Technology has transformed communication and has introduced new paradigms to the communication process. The cycle of communication today is in hours not in days. We expect almost instant replies and will not tolerate days or even weeks of waiting for responses to our messages as we would have 30 years ago. There are some dangers however with the use of technology. It has limitations. Emails can easily be misunderstood. They cannot capture a facial expression or a squeeze of the hand. Unlike the human voice, an email.cannot capture a tender spirit or a stern warning to the degree that a face to face meeting can. For example, sharing the results of a performance review should never be done via a text message or an email. On the otherhand, giving someone directions to a location can be done very well electronically. Text message users employ many abbreviations and codes. To the unitiated, such use can greatly enhance the liklihood of being misunderstood. Generational differences are important to consider too. Persons nearing retirement generally are not as keen to regard text messaging and other technology as the best way to communicate. People much younger regard it as natural and effective. Do not regard technology as the Godsend in communication! It has limitations. On occasion, travel to make the communication more personal and face to face, can be money well spent.

3. Know your audience.

Are there cultural dynamics you should be aware of? When I work with clients using the LIFO Survey© I sometimes ask them to write hypothetical letters seeking employment to persons who view life through different windows. This helps people realize that different people respond to messages in different ways. Knowing with whom you are communicating will force you to frame your message in different ways and is critical to having your message understood. Some cultures are more direct than others. Some expect a lot of social niceties before "getting down to business". It is possible to strain relationships severely when the culture of our audience is ignored. Some years ago I ignored this principle and almost destroyed a friendship. My office was arranging a trip to an Asian country. Since I did not know my counterpart in that country but did know one of his board members personally, I instructed our office to contact the board member. To me this seemed perfectly natural as I had developed a relationship with this person while my counterpart was unknown to me at that time. The contacts were made and I naively thought all was well. With the help of a friend who had lived in that country for many years we were able to determine why my host was so cool towards me. The reason was simple. I had contacted one of his subordinates instead of him directly. I had committed a cultural faux pas. I was instructed how to remedy the problem in a very indirect way and thus was able to salvage the friendship. Every business has a culture of some sort. Knowing what it is can be a great help to you in effective communication. Do what you can to learn about the environment into which your communication will be delivered.

Communication is risky! You can do at least something about each of the three points I have made above. You may not always be able to learn much about your audience. You cannot be expected to know every cultural nuance or agenda, bias, or issue of the receiver of your communication. You cannot know how seriously he or she will read what you have written. You cannot guarantee that it will even be read. You can diligently seek to "encode" your message but how it will be "decoded" is ultimately outside the realm of your control. It is amazing to me that while communication is essential and basic to life, it is also a very risky and challenging task.

Want to talk about it some more? You can contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com. I will do my best to communicate well with you and to assist you in finding ways to enhance your communication skills.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, June, 2008

WHEN WILL THIS BUILDING EVER GET BUILT?--- THE IMPERATIVE OF CORE VALUES!!!

2008-06-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

In the 1960's when the John Hancock building was under construction in Chicago, I walked by the site several times a week. I peered through the little windows in the plywood surrounding the site and observed workers and machines like ants busily working many feet below. To me it seemed they were working there forever. I wondered when this huge building (100 storeys, 1500 feet to the top of the antenna masts, still today the 5th highest building in North America) would ever take shape. Many months went by before the superstructure was put in place. When work finally began above ground, it seemed progress was made much more rapidly. For the enormous structure to withstand wind and weather it had to be securely anchored or grounded.

Often I have reflected on this experience. I believe that our individual or company core values are like the foundation of any building, tall or small. Without core values or beliefs, our "building" may not stand over time.

What are core values? Core values are beliefs. They are operating philosophies that guide our conduct and relationships. Core values are philosophies that guide how we conduct ourselves. Core values are the heart of a company's or of an individual's culture. Core values are guiding principles or absolute tenets that cannot be compromised. Kouzes and Posner put it this way, "To do what we say we will do, we must know what we want to do and how we wish to behave."

Jim Collins in his popular book, Built to Last, asks why visionary companies are visionary? What makes them successful? One of Collin's discoveries is that they all hold to an uncompromising set of core values. As my reference to the John Hancock building suggests, core values are foundational. Our personal lives or our businesses will flounder, and perhaps collapse without core values.

What will core values do for you?

* Core values help us make choices. Decision making becomes infinitely easier; we can invest our time and energy and other resources much more strategically when we are guided by a set of core values. Some years ago I accompanied a university president as he was contacting major donors. A very strong willed and major contributor boasted about how the university needed to establish a satellite campus in his community. He offered to put up substantial money to make this a reality. I became somewhat enthused about the possibility. The moment he remarked that no housing facilities would be necessary because the extension campus could be a "commuter campus" the president of the school lost interest. Despite the animated pleas and arguments of the donor, the university president was unmoved. He said simply, "A commuting campus does not fit our core values. We believe in community. Education does not just happen in a classroom!" The discussion was over. For the president the choice was simple. The offer of a significant financial contribution left him unphazed. I learned a great lesson that day and I resolved to be guided by my own set of core values. The core values of the university made it very easy to make a decision.
* Core values enhance our self confidence. They help to define us. We develop a sense of security and confidence when we know who we are. We do not try to compare ourselves with others or try to be like them. We are who we are by the core values we espouse.

* Core values help us overcome discouragement. Many an athletic coach has suffered through the "agony of defeat" temporarily while building a program consistent with his or her core values. Core values keep us going when the going is tough. They inspire us, motivate us and drive us forward.
* Core values are a compass point. They provide focus and direction. The winds of time cannot blow us in every direction when our compass needle continually points us to our core values. Someone once asked what we would think if we succeeded in climbing a mountain only to discover that it was not the mountain we really wanted to climb? It is not possible to picture a desired future without core values.
* Core values give us a "bottom line." They not only help us to know where we want to go but they also show us where we do NOT want to go in life.

So how can we develop core values as individuals?

I am confident the reader of this article already has certain core values. They may be expressed or they may not be. If you desire to submit them to writing, refine them, or think about core values all over again, here are some steps that I have found helpful:

1. List what is important to you. Some examples and frequent core values of companies, schools, non-profits, military, and so on are concepts like integrity, service, excellence, relationships, innnovation, teamwork, results, people, etc.

2. Take time to distinguish between what you think should be important to you to what truly is important. Core values are not about "coulda", "woulda", "shoulda". They are about bottom line, non negotiable concepts. They are the principles that permeate every part of your mind and emotions.

3. Prioritize your list and narrow it down to at least 3 but no more than 7 core values. Take time for this.

4. Share your list if you wish with those who truly know you well so they can affirm your values or help you refine them.

5. Print them somewhere in a conspicuous place so they are often in your sight and on your mind. Put them on your website, and every place you can think of.

6. Live each day with these core values in mind, review them every chance you have until they are second nature to you.

How can we develop corporate core values?

Some of the same principles apply but you need to draw your employees, partners, and colleagues into the discussion from the beginning so they also "own" the values you put to paper. It can be a fascinating journey for a business or corporate board examine, review, or refine their core values.

Consider the image of this building's failed foundation. Picture a skyscraper developing cracks in its superstructure or worse,--- crashing to earth because of a poorly laid foundation. It is not a pretty picture. Similarly, picture your life, your family, or your business. How solid is your foundation of core values?

Want to talk about this? As always, I welcome your inquiry. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, June, 2008

Accountability --- Has it become just another buzz word?

2008-05-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

... perhaps it has in some circles anyway. What is accountability? Its roots are Latin and originate from the world of money lending. A person borrowing money in the Greek and later Roman world, was held "to account" that he would pay back what the lender gave him. We often define it as a willingness to accept RESPONSBILITY for our actions as well as for the consequences of those actions. In very simple language we could say we are accountable when we "own" what we do and what happens as a result of what we do. Some regard accountability as one of the three legs of effective empowerment; --- responsibility and authority being the other two. One definition of accountability I once saw used a mathematical equation. It looked like this:

There are many faces of accountability. There is judicial and political accountability. The market place requires accountability and customers have a remarkable way of holding people accountable. There is social and educational accountability. A recent visit with a US Marine lawyer showed me that the military places great emphasis on accountability as well. Often people speak of personal accountability in the area of morals and conduct.

I am focusing today on team accountability.

In Patrick Lencioni's book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, lack of accountability is listed as the fourth dysfunction. A traditional understanding of accountability in the context of a corporate team, board of directors, sales team, or church leaders, would bring to mind a CEO, a manager, a senior leader of whatever title-- formal or informal, who is responsible to hold everyone's feet to the fire, so to speak. It is not a fun part of leadership and it sets the leader apart as the "heavy"! Once when I was forced to intervene and hold someone accountable I recall that I literally shook as I considered the ramifications of what I had to do. A board member to whom I went for some solace, simply said, "It goes with the territory. You have to do this sometimes!" While his point was accurate, I always thought this was a heavy burden to impose on a leader. It offered little comfort to me.

Lencioni has a theory that I like very much better. He argues that team members need to be willing to point out shortcomings or failures to fellow team members. No better way to maintain high standards of performance on a team exists than to harness peer pressure. It reduces the need for bureaucracy in the area of performance management. Lencioni argues that the fear of letting down respected co-workers is a powerful motivator to enhance performance.

It might be argued that team accountability would put enormous strain on personal relationships. The opposite is actually the case. Holding one another accountable demonstrates the respect and expectations people have for each other. Failing to do so actually diminishes morale, decreases respect, and results in built up resentment toward peers who do not perform adequately.

So lets get started! What can you do in your business, with your board, with your leadership team or staff in a church to start building team accountability?

1. Establish clear goals and behaviors. The team must know what it needs to achieve. Lencioni believes that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. Make the goals as public as possible.

2. Structure mechanisms for frequent and effective communication so team members can express how they feel about how they are doing in achieving their goals.

3. Encourage teams to confront performance issues head on and promptly. Procrastination almost always makes the situation worse and often only delays the inevitable but with more undesirable outcomes.

4. Establish markers to track progress.

Ken Blanchard has written that we cannot accomplish what we want if we do not help each other. Leaders all by themselves are vulnerable. Moving from a "top down" to a peer to peer accountability model will have many positive effects. Here are a few:

1. You will see a greater degree of team satisfaction and a higher sense of morale.

2. There will be greater cooperation between workers.

3. You will achieve better decision-making.

4. You will find that there is greater vigilance in problem solving.

Not finance. Not strategy. Not technology. It is teamwork that remains the ultimate competitive advantage, both because it is so powerful and so rare. These are the opening sentences in Lencioni's book. I agree with him and I hope you have been stimulated to apply the concept of team accountability to your work place.

Want to know more? I welcome inquiries and questions. One of my special delights is to work with teams, boards, and staff to try to enhance team effectiveness. Please drop me a note at rick@icarecoaching.com. If you have friends that you feel would enjoy reading this newsletter or others on my website, please forward their names to me. Thanks!

Rick Penner

Copywright 2008

www.icarecoaching.com

Get this - IT IS ALL ABOUT PEOPLE!!!

2008-04-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

Over time you may conclude that I sound like a broken record. I talk about relationships and people a lot. I just can't help it I guess. I really believe success in life comes by knowing how to relate to and how to get along with people. Skills for a particular job assignment can be taught in fairly short order. Knowing how to relate well to people seems a tougher challenge. Years ago I remember a college president telling his audience that business leaders repeatedly stressed focusing on the social sciences in terms of what college education should be about. Skills can be taught once employed and besides, they need to be tailored to the specific job application anyway. Teach students to express themselves clearly and to learn to relate was the challenge from these execs.

I just returned from a trip to Israel. I have led several tours there in the past and this one was doubtless the very best ever. Why? Two of the main reasons have to do with people. First, we were paired up with a wonderful guide. When he met us at the airport on the very first day he said, "You are now my family for the next 12 days!" That set the tone. We were indeed family. In the past I have enjoyed other equally knowledgeable guides but this one had the advantage of being very much people oriented.

The second reason for the success of our tour was that the travelers all related to one another well. There was genuine caring. Concerns for extended family health issues, offers of cell phone use, assisting others when the steps became a challenge to some, were a few examples of caring that took place. At the end, reunions were planned and hopes of another tour somewhere else were expressed. The people liked each other and wanted to be together.

Permit me to introduce two words that may possibly be new to you. They relate to the matter of working with people. One is Modalism and the other is Sodalism. Modalism is about structure and the sustaining of an institution. Under modalism people are not very important. Whether admitted or not, preserving the institution is all that really matters in a modalistic system. Sadly, I am convinced that the government at most levels, industry, and churches and denominations, have become excessively modalistic. For example, do you really believe we will ever see a major paradigm shift in how taxes are collected? Not very likely! There are far too many structures and committees that would become obsolete. Politicians would be out of jobs and more importantly they would lose power and influence. Similarly in the church world, many people become disillusioned because they do not desire simply to keep the mechanisms and gears of the institution functioning. Modalism is a major reason for the disaffection and cynicism that pervades our society today.

Sodalism on the other hand, is mission focused. I would argue that focusing on mission essentially equals focusing on people.

I have spent much of my adult life in the administration of churches. I noticed that when a new church is begun, it is very much in a sodalistic frame of mind. The congregants meet often to discuss, eat, play, plan, work, and dream together. After about 5 or 7 years (students of this phenomenon have varying opinions) a sad change takes place. Slowly but surely meeting together becomes much more infrequent. When meetings take place it is more and more to” grease” and maintain the machinery of the church. Initially, most everyone in the church has the keys to the building. This works well. Over time however, more people join. No one seems to know who has or who does not have keys anymore. Security now becomes a problem. A manual is needed and a policy must be established concerning who is authorized to have keys to the church. Do you see the picture? Modalism is becoming entrenched.

Business is no different. Mom’s and Pop’s who pioneer a business are usually in a sodalistic mode. It is all about people and the mission of the business. Over time, and often when the second generation takes over, the initial vision and mission become blurred. It is a sad but perhaps inevitable shift. Or is it? An organization with which I work at present is spending time to revisit its original mission. They have not done this for a long time. I believe they may well come back to what set them apart at the very beginning. People will begin to matter more again.

Obviously order and structure are necessary. It is imperative to have constitutions, job descriptions, operational manuals, and so on. I am not arguing against structure. To do so would be to invite chaos. I am arguing that we must be wary and alert to keep structure in their proper place. They are means to a much greater end. Structure is by no means the end itself.

As you look at your business, your school, your church--- what mode do you believe you are in? Are you mission and people focused? Is there a sense of community present among your employees? How do you view your employees? Are you keenly conscious that they are people with families, hobbies, aging parents, growing infants, dreams of their own?

Want to talk about it? I would love to hear from you. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or use the contact portion of my website www.icarecoaching.com.

Rick Penner
Copyright, 2007
www.icarecoaching.com

Hope and Pandora's Box

2008-03-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

March is a season of hope. Where I live, tulips are blooming and trees are budding. Hopeful signs of life are everywhere in nature. In American politics hope is a frequent theme and a leading candidate for president has written a book entitled, The Audacity of Hope. More importantly this is also the season of Easter which to persons of faith symbolizes the greatest sort of hope of all--- Resurrection and eternal life!!

So what does Pandora’s Box have to do with hope? Although the legend has been variously understood over the centuries, its roots are in Greek mythology, When Pandora, the Greek goddess opened what became known as Pandora’s Jar, all the evils of the world were released. Only Elpis (Greek word for “hope”) the personification of hope, remained in the jar. In the 16th Century, Erasmus mistakenly translated “jar” into the Latin,“box.” The word has stuck and ever since then we have all been afraid to open Pandora’s Boxes.

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances. It is one of the three greatest virtues according to the Bible. It is what has kept many a prisoner of war alive in the most horrible of circumstances. Here are some ways others have expressed their ideas about hope:

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. - Goethe

Hope is the dream of a soul awake. - French proverb

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.

We can live 40 days without food, 3 days without water, 8 minutes without air but only 1 second without hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings without words and never stops at all. - Emily Dickenson

Hope is knowing that people, like kites, are made to be lifted up.

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.

Hope is the feeling that the feeling isn’t permanent. - Jean Kerr

He who has health has hope. And he who has hope has everything.

If we do not have hope beyond this life, we are of all men most miserable. - The Bible

The resurrection of Christ provides us with a living hope. - The Bible.

As I work with people in coaching it has become very obvious to me how critical hope is to living a contented life, yes, even living at all. I am troubled when a person gives up hope all together. Such a person has begun to die. We need things to look forward to. We must believe that somehow, someday things will be better; whether this be in the case of a prisoner of war in some filthy cell or someone who has just lost his job or source of income, or if it is a student whose course work seems to be never ending, or if it is about a wayward son or daughter making poor life choices, or whether it is someone whose health is failing. It is one reason why a terminally ill person will go anywhere, try any cure, pay any sum of money, to find healing and relief. Once we lose hope all together, we begin to die.

As I am a person from the faith community. I happen to believe that ultimately hope must transcend the human condition. Ultimately it is not enough to simply have hope in this life. The reason is that for each of us there comes a time when the ravages of disease, the elimination or outsourcing of jobs, the relentless march of time on our bodies, and so on, take their toll. The optimism and eagerness of youth is replaced with the stark reality that some things cannot be changed. We may be able to slow the process down but to date, that proverbial fountain of youth has not really been discovered. It is what Ecclesiastes calls the vanity of life. All is vanity and emptiness on the purely human level.

What are your thoughts about hope? Are you hopeful that your life, your work, and your marriage or family, will get better someday, somehow? Do you have plans to make your hope come alive by taking responsibility for your life? Or are you a person near the end of this life seriously pondering about what might lie ahead of you? Back to that Pandora's Box story for a moment - Students of Greek Mythology offer various suggestions about what the story was really meant to teach. One suggestion is that hope is the one positive in a world of evils. I like that interpretations. This world can be tough at times. When we find that there is too much "month at the end of the money," our optimistic hope can begin to flicker. We can easily conclude that life will only get worse. Maybe you feel that way right now. You can let most anything escape your Pandora's Box, but please do not allow hope to escape!

I would love to chat with you about your own thoughts on hope. If you are a person for whom life has become burdensome and discouraging, there surely must be reasons for hope. A life coach like myself can help you talk about your situation and come alongside you as you try to sort it all out. Even more importantly, if you have concerns and thoughts about a hope that transcends this life, I would be delighted to chat with you about that as well. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or use the contact portion of my website www.icarecoaching.com.

Rick Penner

www.icarecoaching.com

Thoughts on last month's survey

2008-03-17T09:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those who responded to our follow-up survey last month. Here are a few observations that are interesting to note:

Those who responded have defined what success means to them and they do so in the context of spiritual or biblical values.

How well we are differentiated is intriguing. We rely on or feel concerned about, the opinions of others. Half of the respondents feel pressure to perform on the basis of what people expect of us.

While a high percentage of us begin each new day with an eagerness and an anticipation, only about half of the respondents feel that they have reached a point where they consider themselves successful. Still, all of those who responded feel that they are comfortable “in their own skin” in terms of success.

Over 80% view their “cup” as half full rather than half empty.

I found considering your responses to be an illuminating process. Thank you for taking the time to respond. We plan to create additional opportunities for feedback and discussion on the blog and through the newsletter in the months ahead.

Rick Penner

www.icarecoaching.com

How do you define success?

2008-02-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

Our society is obsessed with success and winning. When Atlanta hosted the Olympics some years ago, billboards in the city displayed this statement: YOU DON’T WIN SILVER, YOU LOSE GOLD!

Think about this for a minute! There are over 10,000 athletes who compete in a typical modern summer Olympiad. Approximately 600 or so win gold medals. All the rest are losers according to the message of the billboards. What do you think about that? How foreign is that to the Olympic ideal of sportsmanship, fair play, competition, friendship building, and so on? Olympic officials persuaded the powers to be to remove the billboards because their message so contradicted the Olympic spirit. And yet?? I submit that many in our society have bought the line!

I believe this misguided philosophy will only lead to frustration and discouragement. Unless you happen to be in the elite group of 600, all your efforts, hard work, training, sacrifice, and focus, are for nothing. You are a loser! It is nonsense to think such a philosophy can work for us. May I suggest another?

I have the privilege of knowing a retired college football coach who knows a lot about winning and success. He is one of the top 10 winning coaches in the history of college football. His teams have won four national championships. He was recently inducted into the National Football Foundation College Hall of Fame. I guess we could say he has been in the elite company of the 600! However, he defines success and winning in very different ways. I am indebted to him for some of the ideas I wish to share with you today.

What is success? Is it the end of the road for you? Or is it the road itself? If winning is the be all and end all, most people will fail. A real winner believes that winning is not the road to success. Winning is the success road! That is, winning is in the journey itself! Winning is an attitude. Winning becomes a by product when we measure success in terms of giving our best. Success is not a comparison of my achievements with the achievements of others. Success is what I do myself in relation to the potential I have to do things. There is a great excitement that comes from personal achievement and becoming the best we can be. A by- product is that our performance level increases. Individuals will gain a new awareness of their personal worth. Confidence will increase. Morale will be raised.

The definition of success as described by our coach friend causes me to measure success in terms of what I can do compared to my best self, not what I can do in relationship to others. This is key. I have learned that comparing myself to others will always lead to frustration. One reason is that my spirit never is satisfied. I may begin by comparing myself to someone I can surpass with my skills and talents. Then I find someone more successful with whom to compare myself. If I am fortunate enough to surpass this person, I will always find still another person even more successful against whom I feel I must compete. Eventually I will meet my match and will find myself falling short and feeling very disappointed. Now I am a failure because I will generally find someone somewhere who makes more money, has a better house, a fancier title, and so on. It is a false measurement.

Do you remember the 1986 Winter Olympics? The movie, Cool Runnings depicts the story of the Jamaican bobsled team in these Olympic games. The very idea is humorous and sounds oxymoronic! Jamaica? ….. Bobsleds? The two do not go together. You will remember that this team raced through the icy curves and corners only to have their steering malfunction near the finish line. Buffeted by the wild ride, the athletes picked up the sled and carried it across the finish line where they were greeted by thunderous applause and cheers from the crowd. This illustrates my point. These Jamaican athletes were winners! We all have failures and disappointments. You may feel that your “steering mechanism” has broken down often as you race through life. Your attitude now becomes the key to your success.

You can complain, blame others, and talk about how unfair life is. Or, you can respond with dignity and class to what life brings you, get up, and continue the race! We cheer when we see athletes like the Jamaicans. We admire their class and competitive spirit.

This story illustrates the two points I am trying to make today.

Give your life the best shot, your personal best! Don’t compare yourself with others. Compare yourself with yourself. Attitude is the key!

Here is how a poet put it:

You Can If You Think You Can!

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But soon or late the man who wins,
Is the man who thinks he can.

~ C. W. Longenecker ~

Want to talk about it? Know anyone who would like to be encouraged on the success road? A life coach can help you on your journey to success and winning. I invite you to contact me so we can discuss your success road in more detail. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright 2008

What About Those New Year's Resolutions?

2008-01-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

I write this in the middle of the first month of the new year!

So how are you doing about those resolutions you set for yourself just a few weeks ago? What resolutions? …. Painful question? …. Maybe it is and if so keep reading. Let me offer some suggestions that will help you.

1. Are your resolutions wants or needs? The question is about motivation. If you made a resolution to lose weight, eat more wisely, or whatever--- did you do so because you truly want to or is it because you know you need to? A want is a stronger motivator than a need! Determine which it is. Wants come from deep within. Needs tend to be more external.

2. What is it that you have passion for in life? Often we make resolutions out of pressures that come to us from family members, friends or relatives. We may never really have a sense of ownership of these resolutions. Take some time to think about what it is in life that you truly feel passionate about. This takes time to do well. I am talking about real passion here. What is it for you? What makes you want to leap out of bed in the morning? What would you truly make sacrifices to accomplish? Develop a short list of your passions and then base your resolutions on these core values. The question of passion in life is one that a life coach will often ask a client. It is a way of knowing who another person really is and what “makes him or her tick”.

3. Make your resolutions measurable. Determining to be more loving, more considerate, more thoughtful, and so on, sounds great but….? These are really only nice thoughts. However, planning to write 5 thank you notes per month to people you appreciate for example, is a very measurable and worthwhile resolution. Planning at least two nights with the family per week is also measurable. Supporting a favorite and worthwhile charity at $100 per month is also a very measurable resolution. You get the picture. Can you take stock every once in a while to determine if you are actually being successful in carrying out your resolutions? They must be measurable and specific for you to be able to do so.

4. Find a group or an individual for purposes of accountability. Human nature is what it is. If I know that someone will ask me weekly or monthly about a decision or commitment I have made, I tend to be more motivated. I have pride and do not want to face my friend or accountability group having to admit that I did not fulfill what I promised or purposed to do. It just works that way. We do not want to let others down and even more, we want to present the best possible impression of ourselves to others.

Life coaching could be a wonderful investment for you at the start of a new year! Will this year be just like all the previous ones? Will you start out with the very best of intentions only to find that this year is nothing more than same old, same old? I invite you to break the cycle and consider the services of a life coach. It will make a difference and may well help you follow through and assist you to see your resolutions for the year to become reality in your life. What a happy prospect! I invite you to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com or to use the contact portion of my website.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Rick Penner

GEARS OR PEOPLE --- TOOLS OR PLANTS? WHAT ARE THEY?

2007-12-15T12:31:00.001-08:00

What I am writing about today is not new and plenty of articles and books have been written about it! But apparently we still don’t seem to get it!!!

People are not gears or cogs in a wheel! They live and breathe. They have emotions and moods. Gears and machinery don’t. Machines can be thrown away and replaced easily. People --- that’s another story!

I work with a board for a non profit organization. Recently a few board members from this organization have been on a crusade to get rid of their executive director. They have accused her of all sorts of shortcomings and wrongdoings. As is sometimes done in such situations, they called for a performance review. I am all for performance reviews. I believe they ought to be done regularly and thoroughly. But this review had all the indicators of a witch hunt. There were no objective criteria by which to measure performance. As so often happens, this kind of performance review would be based on very subjective, emotional kind of data. I could see the handwriting on the wall so to speak. The ED was doomed!

This experience again reminded me of how we hurt ourselves and others by our insensitivities and carelessness in how we treat people. When Marshall Field first began building his department store he used to watch his employees leave work at the end of the day. With pride he would say, “There go our greatest assets!” How right he was. Our people are our greatest assets indeed!

By contrast I think of the words of the leader of a church based mission agency. He told his missionary force of several hundred that they were like gears, belts and pulleys on a huge machine! How inspiring! I am sure we all would love to be viewed as some gear or bearing on a machine. That would make me feel really valued! I could not wait to sign up to be part of his “machine”! I hope you catch the sarcasm.

How do you treat people? You may be a business owner with several or many employees. Perhaps you are part of a church leadership team and constantly work with people. Perhaps you are part of a social or civic club of some sort. Perhaps like me, you serve on various boards and committees. How do you view your colleagues and fellow board members? What is the “DNA” of your company when it comes to how you value people?

Tools we use to accomplish tasks are designed for one purpose. A wrench is not for cutting things. A pair of scissors is not designed to secure nuts and bolts to each other. These tools will never be anything but what they were designed to be. Plants are very different. They need to be watered, transplanted, pruned and fertilized. If we do that they will grow. Some will produce beautiful flowers. Others will produce delicious fruit. People are like plants not tools! They too need to be “watered and fed”. They will be more productive if we nurture them.

Here are some practical but powerful steps you can take to treat people like plants instead of tools!

1. Give recognition.

I recently transferred some investments to a new company. Precisely ONE day after we had made this transfer a Thank you card signed personally by the partners in the investment company was in my mail box. I was impressed. By contrast, earlier this year, I transferred some other funds from an account manager who had not contacted me even once in over 5 years. Even when I closed out the account I received no inquiry or contact from him. See how simple this is? It does not take much to make a positive impression.

2. Keep communication lines open.

No one likes surprises. If there are issues that may affect another person, be sure he or she knows what you are thinking and that it may impact the other person. I once was told via phone call that I would no longer be receiving remuneration from a certain organization I was with. It was a bolt from the blue and came from the board chairman who was vacationing in a sunny clime. He did not decide this while he was away and could have easily told me in person along with his rationale, well before he left town.

3. Be a person of your word.

If you make a promise, keep it! People latch on to things you say. A promise you make registers in the memory of the person to whom you make it. A broken promise erodes confidence and trust.

4. Be human.

No one expects perfection. If you blow it, admit it! Don’t make excuses or blame others. If you forget to do something you said you would do, or if new circumstances arise that change things in one way or another, explain what happened, express your regrets, ask for forgiveness, etc and move on. People tend to give each other a lot of slack as long as they trust and believe in each other and believe they are being dealt with in good faith.

5. Laugh often.

Scripture says that laughter is like a good medicine. I have walked into offices where the atmosphere is like the frigid arctic. I have also been in offices where there is good will, laughter and even frivolity. We take ourselves and life in general, too seriously at times. Share a great joke; don’t be afraid to be one too! Your colleagues will see your humanity. They will be more productive.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

This is so simple yet so profound. Simply stop and think a minute. How would you like to be treated? What makes your day? What is it that draws you to a certain kind of person? Why would you gladly spend time with one person and perhaps not another?

7. Invest in people.

In a business this may mean providing certain kinds of perks and benefits. A family member called me this week to tell me about a 3-day trip his company had provided for him and his wife. The company does not know that this employee was seriously considering leaving. This little investment in him has changed his mind. Professional development is well worth it. It speaks volumes to people. It says your company values you. It believes in you and that you have the potential to become an even more productive employee. My work in the LIFO Survey for example is a wonderful way to increase productivity and enhance group morale. I always find it fascinating to observe the positive change in attitude of people who take this helpful training. Investing in people is like watering and feeding plants. They flourish.

People are our greatest assets! Let us never forget this. If you would like some encouragement in working with people, or if you would like information on the LIFO Survey productivity instrument, please feel free to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com or take a look at the LIFO Survey section on my website www.icarecoaching.com

Copright, 2008

Dr. Rick Penner

Integrity Check

2007-11-15T09:51:00.000-08:00

If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you do not have integrity nothing else matters!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I cannot find language of sufficient energy to convey my sense of the sacredness of private integrity!”

US president Eisenhower stated, “The supreme quality of leadership is unquestionably integrity.”

Ronald Reagan said he was proud to be called a P.I.G.! To him it meant …. Persistence… Integrity… Guts!

Oprah Winfrey has expressed what many others have tried to say to explain integrity. It is that real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not!

Everywhere in our culture integrity is viewed as a supreme quality. Maslow put it at the very top of his hierarchy of needs pyramid. Much has been written about the idea of integrity and the above are just a few of myriads of examples.

What is integrity anyway? You might think it is easy to define but in reality it is a little more complicated than we might think. We use the term in various ways. There is for example a self integrated kind of integrity. This involves keeping ourselves intact and being harmonious in a prioritized system of values and desires. In this scenario we define our own kind of integrity and seek to live consistently with it in every area of our life.

We also speak of integrity in terms of remaining true to a commitment. This commitment might be to promises, to people or institutions, to ideals or principles, or projects. If a person remains consistently supportive of a particular athletic team whether it is winning or losing, we say such a person has integrity. A person whose word is good has integrity. Someone has said that it is better to have an enemy who keeps his word than a friend who does not!

Some like Cheshire Calhoun describe integrity as a social issue. Here integrity consists of being true to one’s community. Therefore a terrorist or any kind of fanatic has integrity because he or she lives passionately for his community, maybe even to the point of being willing to give his life for his community. There is no moral code as such in play here.

Perhaps the most common understanding of integrity involves morality. Elizabeth Ashford calls this objective integrity. A person with integrity is one who shares our moral values. A question I would raise here is this: Who defines moral values? On what are they based? Can they change with time?

The word “integrity” has Latin roots. The word speaks of wholeness or completeness. Other dictionary definitions declare integrity to involve a firm adherence to a code of moral values, an unimpaired condition or purity.

I enjoy theories but basically I am a practitioner. I like to get to the basics.

So, can we talk about integrity in very simple terms? I think so.

Let me make it a little simpler! The definition I like most is that we have integrity when what we THINK… SAY… and DO are aligned into wholeness.

The closer these 3 qualities line up with each other, the more integrity we possess. If these 3 circles are not superimposed one over the other we do not have integrity. The farther apart they are the less we are practicing integrity.

Want to do a little inventory of your life and see what kind of integrity you have? Look at this list of some common virtues. Think about your life. In each of these areas is what you THINK, the same as what you SAY? And, do these 2 also line up with what you DO? The more you are able to answer, “Yes!” , the more you can be certain that you are practicing integrity!

Honesty.

Courage.

Fairness.

Sensitivity.

Humility.

Adaptability.

Communicativeness.

If you are concerned about being more “whole” or if you would like to develop a more complete lifestyle of integrity, give me a call or send me an email at rick@icarecoaching.com. I would love to talk with you!

Dr. Rick Penner

www.icarecoaching.com

It's all about RELATIONSHIPS!

2007-10-15T11:47:00.001-07:00

It's not WHAT you know it is WHO you know!

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!

All these familiar sayings talk about the need we as humans have to be in relationship or community with one another. Here are a few lighthearted statements about relationships that may bring a smile to your face.

The comedian Rodney Dangerfield known as the guy who "can't get no respect!" said, "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous-- everyone has not met me yet!"

An adaptation of the Serenity Prayer: --- God grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

This one may have a lot of truth to it:--- The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue!

DEFINING RELATIONSHIP

So what is a relationship anyway? Some synonyms that come to mind are association, affiliation, connecting, friendship, interaction, and community. Relationships have many levels. This past week I went to the post office to mail some things. While standing in line for perhaps at most 10 minutes I learned a great deal from the man standing immediately behind me. In those few minutes I learned about the places he has lived, his church affiliation, his family issues, his environmental concerns, and his short term travel plans. Did we have a relationship? Well sort of! We connected at some level. Virtual communities on the internet claim to have great relationships while they maintain anonymity with each other. I can really not grasp that concept but it appears to be true.

BASIC INGREDIENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

One of the things relationships do is build trust. Trust is a fundamental concept to building an enduring relationship. The most profound trust exists in a marriage relationship and when that trust is destroyed a marriage relationship is sorely tested. To a lesser degree however, trust needs to be part of even more casual relationship too. For example, if someone you know recommends a certain type of car, it has greater impact than if a car salesman recommends a certain type of car. You are not sure whether you can trust the salesman. You do not know him or her and you assume they have an ulterior motive--- to sell you a car. Simply put, you have little or no trust in the salesman. If someone you know recommends a car however, you tend to take his or her word for it. You trust their judgment, you have learned (hopefully) that what they say can be trusted. If not, you do not have much of a relationship.

It is the same way when seeking to find a new position. A good recommendation from a trusted friend is infinitely better than dozens of generic references from total strangers. That is why we say it is not so much what you know as who you know that counts!

RELATIONSHIP DESTROYERS

Relationships can be fragile! In my view the greatest threat to a relationship is CONTEMPT! Contempt at its root is the idea that I am somewhat better than you are. It is incredibly prevalent and we are often not really aware that we feel contempt towards another. Here are a few examples:

-Do you remember the last time you stood in a check out line at the grocery store? Let us say that the person ahead of you was grossly overweight. Did you find yourself looking at this person's grocery selections? Did you find yourself thinking smugly to yourself--- No wonder! Just look at what he or she is buying! I know better than to buy all those unhealthy products! This is contempt!

-Pretend you are still at the check out counter. You are in a hurry and have only 2 or 3 items to purchase. The person ahead of you fills the check out conveyor belt. Finally, all the items are processed and it is your turn. -- No, it is not. The person ahead of you now fumbles through her purse looking for her check book or credit card. Then her cell phone rings and she answers it. What are you thinking by now? That is contempt! You are thinking to yourself--- Why is she not better organized? Could she not have anticipated that she would need to pay for her groceries? Why did she have to answer that phone when I am waiting? This too is contempt!

-Imagine that you hear the news that a neighbor lost his job. What are you thinking? Perhaps you think to yourself--- No wonder! How can someone who is habitually tardy or absent from a job expect to keep it for long. I know that. I am not surprised! I show up for work on time. I am better than he. This is contempt!

-Think about your driving habits. When the motorist in front of you changes lanes abruptly without signaling their intentions, what are you thinking? Yes, of course,-- this is also contempt!

At a conference for therapists I heard the statement that over 90% of all marriages will fail when one spouse feels contempt for the other. The presence of contempt is THE single most destructive agent in relationships.

A great way to live is to become aware of our tendency to be contemptuous. The Bible admonishes us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think and further states that we should do some sober appraising of how we view ourselves.

We often glibly quote the axiom-- "There but for the grace of God go I! I suspect that we do not always really believe that. A more accurate version might be---"How could he be so stupid! Surely I would never do that!"

HOW AM I IN RELATIONSHIPS?

I am am convinced that this axiom in fact is very true. We need to realize that given the right circumstances we too are capable of making the most stupid decisions possible. Until we truly believe that, we are vulnerable to fall big time. I challenge you to think very carefully about this idea. Until you truly acknowledge your own weaknesses and tendencies to make crazy choices, you are a contemptuous person.

Want to enjoy strong and happy relationships? Make sure you never show contempt for another person. If you do, that person will sense it. He will not trust you. She will not confide in you. The other person will say what he or she thinks you want to hear. Integrity and transparency will have left the relationship.

Want to talk more about relationships? Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com I would love to hear from you.

Rick Penner

Know Thyself!

2007-09-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

Carved into the forecourt of the temple of Apollo in Delphi are the Greek words translated into English as -- "Know Thyself." Here is a picture of the same aphorism in a modern European building.

It is disputed as to who is the author of this truism. Some attribute the words to Socrates, others to Pythagoras. Some ascribe lofty meaninds while most suggest that what was intended was simply to declare that we must know our habits, morals, temperament, ability to handle emotions, our talents and skills, our shortcomings, and a host of other issues in life with which we deal constantly.

The challenge to "Know Thyself" inspired both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Alexander Pope to pen poetry, is used as the motto for a liberal arts college in upstate New York ,and even found its way into the movie, The Matrix.

Many scholars, sages, political figures and philosophers have expressed themselves on the idea of "Know Thyself." Here are a few samples.

* Thoreau said it is as hard to see one's self as to look backwards without turning around!

* The first principle is that you must not fool yourself--- and you are the easiest person to fool. Richard Feynman

* There is more hope for a fool than there is for a man wise in his own eyes. Book of Proverbs, author Solomon

* Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else. Judy Garland

* So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another. Nietzsche

* Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. Carl Jung

* The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. Wm Shakespeare

* If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed. Kate Halverson

* You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--- at yourself! Ethel Barrymore

* No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

* Blessed are they who heal you of self despisings. Of all services which can be done to man, I know of none more precious. William Hale White

* No bird soars too high if he soars on his own wings. William Blake

These statements show that there is a balance we must find. On the one hand some of us loathe ourselves at worst or at best, look down on ourselves and keep wishing we were someone else. But on the otherhand are those who think more highly of themselves than they ought to think. Such an attitude will not win popularity contests for ourselves either. Someone said that he who is in love with himself will have no rivals. It is balance we need here!

One of the most basic features of life coaching is to assist persons to know themselves and to know contentment in so doing. Coaching is not about trying to make a person into someone he or she was never intended to be. It is rather designed to help a man or woman know him or herself and then to help that person live up to the fullest potential of who they are. Coaching helps people accomplish their own goals. It does not impose someone else's goals upon them. Coaching encourages and motivates people upward to achieve their fullest potential.

How incredibly liberating it is when we learn to know who we are and cease trying to emulate someone else. We spend a lot of time chasing after the looks, styles, and skills of others. We emulate other musicians, athletes, preachers, executives, and so on. How foolish! A friend who followed a respected leader was reminded that he had "big shoes" to fill. He replied, "His shoes won't fit me. I have my own shoes!" That is knowing yourself.

If you want to learn more about who you are, what makes you tick, and what makes you want to get up in the morning and face the world, -- then give me a call! That is what coaches help people to do.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this newsletter. If someone comes to mind who you feel might enjoy it also, please feel free to forward it.

Rick Penner

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

Hurry Sickness

2007-08-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

Since the 1970's, the words "burnout" and "stress" have become important parts of our vocabulary. People like Freudenberger and Maslach have researched and written on the topic and have identified various causes of burnout and stress in our lives. The MBI (Maslach Burnout Inventory) lists 6 burnout causes. It may perhaps surprise you that working too much is only one of the causes for burnout. I have often said that there is a difference between being tired IN work and being tired OF work. It is the latter that is a much greater cause of burnout. A work environment that does not match our skill set, our passions or values, or one where we feel we have no control, or that do not offer us sufficient reward--- all these contribute to burnout. Burnout is exhaustion and diminished interest.

In this article I wish to comment a little about the impact of technology as it relates to stress. We have reached a point where for many people, technology tends to make it so that we never unplug from our jobs. You know the experience! You are enjoying a nice lunch or dinner and your friend's cell phone rings. With a shrug he or she says, "I am sorry, but I really need to take this call! I hope you don't mind." You sit there for 15 minutes while your dinner partner discusses details about his or her work. Sometimes I have felt like saying, "If you want to conduct your business then go ahead. I'm leaving!" Immersing the phone in the water glass has also crossed my mind. The same thing happens on the golf course! It irritates me.

Technology has done strange things to us. It has not really made us overloaded with work, but it surely has created a kind of "work-home, work-socializing, work-play" kind of interference. This interference is very destructive. Our leisure is intermittent. Therefore we tend to think we work more these days. Statistics show that this is not really the case but it seems that way. We are never unplugged from our work. Leisure time is not really dedicated leisure time. It lasts only as long as it takes for us to allow technology to interrupt us.

Another phenomenon about work and technology is that when we are forced to slow down we go crazy. I am talking here about the idea of "gridlock". I am not using the term as it is used in politics but to describe our strange behavior when we are forced to slow down. Let me illustrate:

-You race through traffic to get to the airport. Then you stand in endless lines to check in, clear security, etc. It drives us crazy.

-You are put on hold when making a phone call. 60 seconds seem like hours. You endure countless mechanical options. Then your call is cut off by an incompetent person or a malfunctioning machine and you have to start the whole process again.

-Your computer freezes up or is slow to connect to a website or internet connection. Such computer glitches make our blood boil. The whole matter is usually only a matter of seconds but we pound our desks, utter profanity, kick the dog, (or whoever or whatever is nearby), and so on.

Do you have any symptoms of 'hurry sickness"? One of the ways I help people in life coaching is to work with them on what I call a "balance wheel". It is a way to see for ourselves just where we spend our time and how we can get our lives in the kind of balance that we desire for stress free (OK, stress diminished) living! Contact me for details! I would love to talk with you.

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

How significant are you?

2007-07-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

Is your life significant? Are you making a contribution to this world? How will you be remembered 100 years from now? What are your values as far as significance is concerned? What is significance anyway? By whose definition?

I admit that I think about such questions from time to time and over the years my convictions have changed substantially. I often think of a friend of mine when I consider these questions. He was a pastor for probably 45 years at least. Years ago I recall a denominational leader saying to me about this pastor-- "Well, you know, Thomas (not his real name), is really a 2 cylinder kind of guy. He has no horsepower." Even then, I was angry with that assessment. I knew Thomas quite well. It is true, he pastored a church in a little town. Neither the town nor the church really grew much from year to year. He had always pastored those kinds of churches. But in my eyes Thomas was a great pastor. He was as steady as the Rock of Gibralter. He delivered on his promises. I could count on his word to be true. He rarely ruffled feathers but neither did he create stormy conflicts.

One day at a retreat for pastors, Thomas and his wife told the story of how they had served a church during the turbulent 60's near San Francisco. Thomas talked about coming to his office in the morning and often finding hippies sleeping on the church lawn sleeping off hangovers. He stopped to talk to them and bought coffee for them. Almost all the pastoral couples at that retreat were much younger than Thomas and his wife. They sat with renewed respect and awe as Thomas told story after story about how people were positively impacted by his gentle, quiet, caring touch. Thomas became a hero and a role model to the other pastors that day. For years afterwards, people talked about that special evening we all shared together.

Over the years I lost track of Thomas and his wife but in the past few years we reconnected again. A few months ago Thomas died. If ever a person of faith were to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant!", I am sure they applied to Thomas. That is what he was all his life--- Faithful!

Since Thomas has died I have again wondered about this matter of significance. How do we measure it? All I can think of are the words, "It is required of a steward that he be found faithful! I think of the parables of the men to whom a stewardship was given. The one who buried it and did nothing was condemned. The other two, although the return on the exercise of their stewardship varied greatly, were both given identical words of commendation by their master. So my conclusion of the matter is this-- Faithfulness in what you do with what you have been given---------- that is the bottom line. If the assessment that my friend Thomas was a "2 cylinder" kind of person was accurate, well then,--- the measure of his significance is about his degree of faithfulness to those 2 cylinders!

I believe we use a false measuring stick to determine how significant we are. As young adults we want to prove ourselves to our company or to our family. We are filled with zeal and enthusiasm. Perhaps we want to prove something to ourselves! We worship at the altar of hard work and sacrifice and sometimes sell our souls for a promotion or advancement in the company. In so doing we often sell something else-- our influence on our family for instance. We may also sell our own dignity and sense of identity.

Then what happens? Our company is taken over by another and suddenly we are not needed! If we are extremely fortunate,( and rare in this day), we might even make it for 30 years or so with the same firm. Then we are given a watch and perhaps a plaque to hang on the wall telling how much our services were appreciated. Very soon another aspiring and ambitious employee is enthusiastically ensconced at the desk we once worked from, and no one even remembers our name. Just how significant do we feel now?

Significance is not about bank accounts, academic success, titles, amount of accrued pensions and retirement funds, size of house, golf scores, etc etc. It is about faithfulness! Knowing you have done your best each day with what you had to work with is a great way to live. Do not look at the way society measures significance! It is often a false measuring device. Fame, wealth, name recognition ,etc., are good for the ego and you may be led to believe you are loved and valued. Truth is, more often than not, people will use you and your assets to forward their own agendas and purposes. This is not a real measurement of significance. Living each day knowing that you have given it your best shot-- that's the way to live! You will sleep well at night!

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

The Paralysis of Fear

2007-07-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

I recently spent a few days with a friend whom I had not seen in about 15 years. It was a wonderful reunion. One of our topics of discussion was the matter of retirement and transitioning. My friend has worked for years as an ophthalmologist and now is looking for new ways to feel productive and useful in his retirement. Many people face new challenges and transitions. It seems sometimes like change and transitions are an integral part of life in the early 21st century. There is understandably great fear and apprehension as people face an uncertain future.

Fear is a profound emotion. It can paralyze. It is easy to suggest that a person in such circumstances ought to be trusting and confident and thereby overcome the terror of fear! But life is not always so easy.

In the early summer season in North America, where the terrain is mountainous, there is danger of flooding as snow melts on mountains miles away. In other regions floods can rise when summer rains descend on earth. As you read this, please picture a raging river. When we lived in Arizona I was amused to see signs that warned of flash floods. In the desert? Sure! Was I in a for a surprise when the winter rains hit. In no time at all a dry wash became a raging torrent of water. Invincible 4X4 drivers seemed the most likely candidates to lose their vehicles to fast flowing waters. Those signs, I found out, were put there for a reason. Maybe a raging river can form a metaphor for you as you look at rivers you must cross in your life!

How can you prevent the waves of fear and anxiety in life from overwhelming and paralyzing you?

There is a great story in ancient Jewish history of Jewish people in the time of Joshua, crossing a river. They were assured by their God that when the feet of the priests touched the water's edge that it would result in dry ground before them. They did not know until they tested the waters.

It seems to me we have a great lesson here! We note a great picture of human responsibility coupled with an unwavering trust in God. It is hard to strike a balance here. Sometimes we feel we ought to do nothing and simply wait for God to act. "Let go and let God" is how we put it. Others of us rely largely or exclusively on human effort. We grit our teeth and plunge ahead. If we pray at all, it is essentially to ask God to agree with what we have already decided to do.

Joshua and his multitudes paint a well-balanced picture. The river did not dry up until the priests set their feet in the water. Can you imagine what a scene this must have been? Can you imagine the fear and hesitancy of the priests? Or, do you suppose they boldly marched toward the river, completely confident that the moment their feet got wet, the river would suddenly miraculously cease to flow? I presume there might have been some of each of these reactions.

Are you fearful of the future? Fearful of decisions you must make? Fearful of your health? Fearful of wars and unrest around the world? Fearful of ............? There are hosts of reasons to be fearful. The picture of a raging river that suddenly ceases to flow and causes huge pileups of water upstream is an amazing scene. It represents to me how we ought to live. We must begin with a strong confidence in God. We need to remind ourselves that He loves us unconditionally. Perfect love casts out fear, says the Scripture. If we count on the truth that God loves us unconditionally our fears diminish. This does not mean we have no responsibility whatever. We must move in obedience and get our feet wet! Herein is the secret.

What fears are you facing today? If you allow fear to paralyze you it probably will. If you act to do what you know you ought to do, your fears will be conquered. Take that first step! Step into the water!

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

How to talk to people

2007-07-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Kind of obvious isn't it? You know--- the common courtesies, and all! Well, maybe not.

I recently flew from Chicago to Seattle. I was tired as I had just flown 10 hours from Europe. My tiredness and discovering that my wife and I were assigned seats in different parts of the aircraft, proved a bad combination. I was not in a good mood! I approached the agent at the check in counter and said something like, "I am tired and grumpy! You probably are not interested in what makes me feel this way but I am wondering why my wife and I cannot sit together on this next flight?"

The lady at the desk surprised me. She looked me in the eye and said, "I am sorry you feel the way you do. I will do my very best to help you. Leave it with me. This flight is filled to capacity but I think I can help you out." Sure enough, I heard my name paged shortly after this and with a smile she handed me two new boarding passes. She made a few additional comments and wished us both a good flight---seated next to each other no less!

After landing in Seattle I called for a hotel shuttle to pick us up. I was greeted with a recording and told to wait. After 5 minutes of listening to irritating music and advertisements, a live voice came on. Being even a little more tired by now (it was after 10PM local time and who knows what time according to my body clock) and more irritable, my happy airline experience notwithstanding, I made mention of the fact that I did not enjoy the long wait on hold just to be picked up by the hotel shuttle. The lady responded with defensiveness and began telling me how busy she was. I do not particularly doubt what she said was true, but I was really in no mood to hear her excuses. A simple, "I am sorry we made you wait", would have done wonders for me.

So what can we learn here? What is the difference between these two little cameos?

All of us want to be treated like human beings. I am not a number or some statistic. I have feelings. I am sometimes happy and sometimes sad or tired. I want people to treat me with some measure of dignity and respect. I do not demand my way all the time. I am a reasonable person and most of us are. Life is life and sometimes machines break down, the phone rings off the hook, traffic is heavy,--- stuff happens! I can understand that. But please, treat me as a human. Listen to me! Hear my story before you shoot back with your excuses.

To me this seems like a no brainer but apparently it is not. In our technological age we are losing the personal touch. I think this is unfortunate. There is nothing like a friendly greeting from your local banker when I do my banking business. No ATM can do this for us. Somewhere I have a book with a chapter entitled, High Tech, High Touch!. That is what I am talking about. I have a name. I resent being treated as though I were a number or a statistic only.

When we do talk to one another we ought to really listen. It takes so little effort to be empathetic and understanding, and the rewards are enormous. Pause before you answer. Really listen when the other person is speaking instead of formulating in your mind what you will say in response. Sometimes it can be helpful to repeat what the other person has just said. He or she will be impressed and feel validated. This one tip alone can revolutionize how we relate to one another. I have found myself guilty often, of hoping the other person will stop talking so I can give him my wisdom and insights to the situation. I am not really listening to him or her, just waiting for an opening so I can talk. How selfish and rude that is!

It does wonders to us when we feel we are truly being heard.

Here's to happy communicating!!!

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